I was born old – older even than I am now.

I sometimes fancy my childhood self as a sort of female Stewie Griffin – lounging idly with a pornographic novel and a cheroot, while the other children scampered about eating spiders and falling over.

In reality, I’m sure I was a charmingly childlike child. But I always felt like the fun was elsewhere – wherever the grownups were – and certainly not with all these moronic halflings.