Today is my first day back at work after 16 days off because of my brain. Or because of how my brain behaves when things get to the point of unbearable.

I am neurodivergent. That’s a catch-all term for ‘my brain doesn’t work like most’ because I still don’t really know what’s at the root of my anxiety and depression. I appear to function pretty well – I’ve done over a decade of high-performing ‘normal’ in my career. But at times, it’s nearly cost me my sanity.

However, until now, I’ve never had time off because of my brain. I could have been crying daily and not sleeping and fantasising about driving into traffic and I still went to work every day. What was different this time?

I think maybe self-respect. It’s not that I wasn’t coping any less than I ever have (dear reader: I’ve never coped); it’s that I know and love myself enough now to recognise that this just could not continue. I was an absolute mess.

I went to the doctor and he was shocked by how distressed I was. The offer on the table was two months off work. That’s when you know you’re not doing too good. “Unfit to work” is quite a phrase to see written about yourself.

Sixteen days has reset my nervous system, hopefully enough to weather the next storm. My resting heart rate is down 10bpm. I’ve eaten, I’ve walked – things I’d been neglecting.

It’s sad how tiny and crushed I was. Like a balled-up bit of paper, absolutely beaten. Sometimes you need it to boil over so at least it’s done. The continual stress was ruining me.

We know stress kills. We’ve heard. But so few of us think about what it means: the strain on our bodies, let alone on our self-worth and brain function. Continual overproduction of stress hormones damages the membrane around your heart that keeps it beating. That’s just one physical aspect of the phrase ‘stress kills.’

I don’t really know what’s next. I’ve worked on my resilience for years and with fair success. It’s sad it reached its limit, but I know I have peace within me. It gets clouded by my environment but I fought to find it for myself and I don’t think you lose it again.

I came to this island to protect that peace and one day, it’s all I’ll do. I just need to survive.