One session with a physio taught me something profound: I never learned how to use my body safely and I never learned how to listen to its warnings.

As she was prodding and poking my back, she was asking if this hurt or if she should stop doing that, and the honest answer was: I don’t know. Like, I’m aware that technically that is pain but also I don’t particularly care. I’m great at tattoos and teeth cleanings – I just go away.

I think ballet taught me it was good to detach from feelings in my body and push past discomfort. Neurodivergent people often struggle with interoception (recognising thirst, identifying pain and so on) anyway, so was that a perfect storm?

It may be different now, but ballet wasn’t taught as exercise in the 90s; it was taught as art. As discipline, even in a little local dance school. You mimic the teacher and you keep everything in tension. You don’t learn to build functional strength, you don’t stop just because something hurts and you’re praised for forcing your body to do things it may not be made for. I learned more French than biology – I still can’t name most of the muscles I’m now trying to make contact with.

While I’ve been doing a good impression of whichever teacher I’ve followed as an adult, it’s only that: copying. I’ve been bracing my whole body all these years and fighting for the appearance of perfect form, but not isolating the muscles that should be responsible for a specific movement. That’s led to strength and flexibility in some areas and absolutely NONE in others. Which then causes other problems, like my lower back pain.

Apparently, standing with your pelvis in a neutral position is supposed to be the default; to me, it feels like work. Brain work and muscle work. I’m having to constantly, actively remind my muscles to keep my spine straight to protect my back. My pilates teacher pointed out a difference in my abdominal muscles yesterday – that’s just from three weeks of trying to stand like a normal person.

I’m now relearning how to connect my brain and body on a muscle-by-muscle level. For the first time, I can feel the individual glute muscles when I do RDLs, and I know my form is better because I ache where I should.

I’m running better because I can identify my quads kicking in when I take a lower position. Running has ALWAYS felt like a slog, because guess what? I was doing it wrong for my body. I was copying.

It makes me feel quite emotional, to get closer to understanding how to live in MY body. I feel like I’ve suddenly been given the instruction manual. I cried in the bath after my 10k this morning, because I did it. I knew I could and I did.

Fully intending to now beat all my PBs and also build the best ass of my life. With my new manual in hand, I’m upping the protein and upping the weights. It’s all to play for, and every minute I spend learning this now is a blessing I’ll count when I’m older.