I am regressing.
I am doing things that I didn’t do or didn’t do enough when I was a little. Things I couldn’t afford or didn’t have the gumption for as a younger, more worried person. Things like owning a leather coat and going to see The Prodigy on a Monday night* because rave.
I have mainly been going backwards sartorially. I removed my septum piercing a couple of years ago – but found myself repiercing it on a Sunday afternoon, painfully and unhygienically, like a bored 17-year-old. Last week I bought leather garters with buckles on them. The last time I had Amazon vouchers, I purchased a pair of Buffalos.
It could be a quarter-life crisis but I always wanted to be this girl. This stomping Tank Girl-Helena Bonham Carter-Lemony Snicket girl. I did have a really good go at it over the years but financially and emotionally, I couldn’t cut it. Now I’m fully invested in being entirely me – whatever that means – and perhaps it’s because I have fewer relationships and therefore don’t really need to care (or even be aware) of other people’s opinions.
It’s not a problem, this retracing of steps. More power to my younger self, doing it properly five years on. I know that soon, tutus and thigh-highs won’t be a cute look – I’m not stupid, or Gala Darling – but for now I think it’s OK. Just for a little while longer.
* Grownup me has the next day off
The best things about getting older and younger at the same time:
- Your hair. SO MUCH BETTER. Damaged as fuck, but excellent from a distance.
- Sleeping is no longer wasted time, it is a prized leisure activity
- You’re finally warm because you can buy coats that aren’t gross or ‘sad’, just genuinely awesome AND cosy
- Choosing to eBay for second-hand items of QUALITY instead of cheap things made of SHIT
- Realising that alcohol is a bit rubbish, actually
- You know your skirt is too short but you also know you will never be this hot again in your life
- Approaching a till with no idea how much the goods you’ve chosen cost (in Primark)
- Knowing how to do a bit of makeup, largely from drag queens on Instagram
- Going to fewer but better things – Sicily, Boomtown and The Cat Empire at The Royal Albert Hall vs. e.g. gigs at the Alton commie centre
- Ordering what you actually want in restaurants
- When you know it’s going to be a heavy night, you PLAN to feel awful the next day and are prepared with a day off, assorted juices and fresh bed sheets
- Telling the truth when asked to do something or go somewhere: I don’t feel like doing that, sorry pal
- Feeling like an outfit actually says who you are, and it working out that way more days than not
- Organic, cruelty- and chemical-free are all real choices, not ridiculous luxuries