It’s incredible how a song can zoom you back in time, through universes, to a single moment.
Breathe Me by Sia is a poignant song for me, bitter-sweet. It encapsulates the only positive feeling I have about university, which happens to overlap with feelings about a person who helped me ruin a year of my life.
The song makes me think of a quiet time, in dark warmth. My laptop glowing on the sticky standard-issue table next to my bed. There were stars and lights circling around us, I wrote a poem on blue paper and when I read it the next day it was nothing. That’s how our relationship was. High drama, the most, the worst. And when I looked back later, it was nothing.
All the tears and screaming hatred, broken by hysterical laughter that stopped when the play fighting went too far. Everything was always too MUCH; we lived it too hard. And yet nothing was enough and we rode it to hell in our tweaker’s need for another hit. We fed off each other but he swallowed me whole, until no one recognised me anymore.
Ironic, that our love song was about self-harm.