A great pair of 70s jeans is really a must, and it took me years of longing to find mine.

A deadstock pair of 1970s Lee bellbottoms on the Oxfam online shop – £12.99! Label still on! Unbelievable.

Yuh, sure. Unbelievable until I tried to get them on my body during a heatwave.

Not only are they not even close to a 28 waist as they claim (literally, were inches smaller back then???), which I was prepared for, but I’d let myself forget that vintage denim has NO STRETCH BABE. None.

Stiff new denim. No stretch. Size minuscule. Mine own flesh puffed up from the heat and frustration. I did manage to shoehorn myself in (although the zip was a lost cause), but it was the getting out that had me panicking and considering calling an ambulance.

So, I will be putting them away until my body is colder, but in the meantime, I’m investigating methods for loosening old denim. I know the one about getting in the bath with them on – but that would mean putting them on again and I’m too traumatised. Putting them on and doing lunges?! Impossible. They’re a cage. Alternative methods required.

Vinegar soak

For a start, they could do with a wee freshen up. Although new, they do smell like garage, as most deadstock does. White vinegar is a great deodoriser, so they’ll benefit even if it doesn’t help relax them.

However, I’m reliably informed that vinegar will also soften the fibres, so hopefully I’ll be able to stretch them slightly by hand while they’re still wet and THEN put them on to do some squats. God, the things I do.

Bashing

In days of yore, you’d wash your clothes in the river by beating them with stones. I’m guessing this was to agitate dirt out of the fibres, but I’d imagine it opens up the weave as part of of the process.

I’m thinking I could lay them out on a towel on the grass, spray them down, then get to bashing with a round rock.

I know they’re deadstock, but that only means something if I’m selling (no) and keeping the label on (no). I can’t wear them as they are – and I don’t think I’d find anyone else who could either! – so it’s better to distress them slightly in order to make them usable.

I’d actually prefer they looked their age, so some homemade ‘stonewashing’ is in order. Guess who literally just realised what stonewashing means.